Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I'm not going to do an indepth critique, as this all looks very polished.

My main issue with this piece is: You're doing a lot of telling and not enough showing. You're going into huge detail about the slave girls life, everything that happened, her history, who she's going to be sold to, where she's come from, etc. etc. These details need to happen as we go along with the story, so if you want them in do chapters before this one in which these events happen.

Anyone who’s ever written a short story or taken a freshman composition course has heard the words “show, don’t tell.”

I know those words can be frustrating. You might not know exactly what “show, don’t tell” means. Or you might believe that you are showing when you’re really telling.

While “telling” can be useful, even necessary, most people don’t realize how vital “showing” is to an effective story, essay, or even a blog post. Showing allows the reader to follow the author into the moment, to see and feel and experience what the author has experienced. Using the proper balance of showing and telling will make your writing more interesting and effective.

“Okay, I get it,” you’re thinking. “But how do I do it? How do I bring more ’showing’ into my writing?”

I’m glad you asked. Here are some tips that will help make your writing more vivid and alive for your reader.

1. Use dialogue

This is probably one of the first things my teachers say when they have us write personal essays. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Instead of telling the reader your mom was angry, they can hear it for themselves:

“Justin Michael,” mom bellowed, “Get in here this instant!”

Okay, crappiest example ever, but you get what I mean. Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood.

2. Use sensory language

In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

3. Be descriptive

I’m sure everyone remembers learning to use adjectives and adverbs in elementary school. When we’re told to be more descriptive, it’s easy to go back to those things that we were taught. But being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.

The following example is from a short story I wrote.

Telling: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.

There’s nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information, but it doesn’t create an image. Compare that sentence with this:

Showing: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.

The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.

When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:

He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.

4. Be specific, not vague

Instead of writing, for example, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.


The flow is nice, and your description and details are good. You just need to elaborate on characters and stop yourself from overdoing the telling.

Good luck.

Sarah

I'm just going to do a readers crit on this.

Write more!!!

*cough*

It was really good. There were few things I caught, keep going please!!!

Thank you all for your reviews and critiques. I realize that it is need of serious editing and realized that before I posted it. I rushed this writing in the idea of it. I will be posting it again and it will be better. I am using all the tips that I get and all of the "Fix this" and "This might work better" that I get. Thank you again for your reviews! Much appreciated!

The only thing I really noticed that stuck out like a sore thumb was this:

The young guard stood their shifting from foot to foot as he waited for Evelyn to gain balance again.

Evelyn pulled her dress away from her feet to look at hers. The skin was bare with no shoes

Pulling her dress up, she studied her bare toes, wiggling them sadly.

hello bleeding rose..

i'm just checking things out..

may i ask why this was your chosen title?..i was just curious..

anyway it was nice, well-written..i love how you describe the girl, but please avoid using her name over and over again..you can use pronouns, on the other hand..

no further comments..


hope to read more from you.

god bless..

Hey there! JFW here.

Nit-Picks

She couldn’t believe that she was actually on her father’s ship. She couldn’t believe that she was actually leaving the docks that she grew up on.

Evelyn cried and waved at the sobbing eyes staring back at her.

Her talking was no good either.

Evelyn frowned and grasped the iron bars that surrounded her. She grasped the ones that faced the other female though, and stared at her angrily.

Evelyn was now hunched over her sink spitting up chunks of food from the early day meal. Once Evelyn had a small portion of control over her vomiting she raised a weary hand and pointed to the opposing female that was now stiff and pale. The guard gagged and called for a bagging man as he went to find a towel and mouth brush for Evelyn. He thought that she was absolutely beautiful. Her emerald eyes that peered into his were unbearable. Her long brown braid was also beautiful. What brought her body out was the emerald green, silk dress that fitted her well. The young guard was soon near her. He felt the blood rush to his face as he looked at her. He thought that her beauty was intoxicating. He unlocked her cell and handed Evelyn the warm, wet rag. Evelyn took it eagerly and wiped her face of the dirt and she wiped the sides of her mouth of the food that had just exited her system. The young guard handed Evelyn the mouth brush and poured the bucket of water into the sink so she could wash out her mouth. The food chunks were bucketed out quickly and were dumped out the window. Evelyn finished wiping and brushing her mouth. She handed the things to the young guard. He took them carefully making sure that he didn’t scratch her.

The ship rocked back and forth and it was soothing.

She refused to fall asleep.

She listened to all sounds, even to the creaking of the swaying Dawn Star.

She turned and the man that was staring at her before was still staring at her. Evelyn became angry.

Evelyn [s]realized[/s]recognized it.

This happened many times. They were shy and fond of each other. The ship made many pit stops on the way to Evelyn’s soon-to-be master. Aderes and Evelyn became very close friends. After two months they were with each other every hour of every day laughing and blowing off steam. They had few fights, and when they actually did they would finish them by laughing. They were made for each other.

Bleeding Rose wrote:. Evelyn waved for the last time and turned to face her future, sliding her hand across the carved, finished wood of the balcony. Evelyn’s hands were embraced by shackles as one last glistening tear raced to meet floorboards of the Dawn Star.

She was only fourteen and was being sold to a man as a slave.

Evelyn cringed as the thought of being beaten and commanded by a man erupted inside of her mind.

Evelyn breathed in and refused to let the breath go for fear of the other slaves’ stench clogging her nostrils.

Evelyn held her head up high and stood tall as she was guided to a floor with cages. It was so heavily populated. Evelyn had pulled her arm away of multiple grips that clung to her arms from the enslaved men. There were young children drenched in sweat from ankles to shoulders. Evelyn refused to look at any man so she kept her glance straight.

A young boy had escaped out of his cage and was standing in the midst of the aisle. The boy’s face was tear stained mess? [s]and[/s] He was soon kicked [s]on[/s]to? the side and was thrown into his cell. Evelyn flinched at the sound of the boy’s yelp as his back cracked against the wall. She was not to be handled that way. She already knew the terms she was being held to.

It was a rich man that was lonely. He wanted a beautiful young lady delivered in to him that has been tended to with care and was doted on.

Also, he wanted her to be pure. Evelyn felt a sudden wave of anger engulf her. [s]Evelyn[/s] She? wanted to break free right now through the window where sunlight was [s]now[/s] escaping [s]from[/s]into?

She smirked at the thought of the water swallowing her?, concealing her.

She felt the sudden touch of a meaty finger on her moist cheek. Evelyn's heart jumped and she refused to turn to the man who'd had the nerve to touch her? “It’s all going to be okay, ma’am. I am going to put you in this nice cell here, and if you need anything just yell,” [s]the man[/s] he? said, letting Evelyn follow her own way into the little room.

The bang of the gate closing startled Evelyn [s]to where she tripped over her own dress[/s] and sent her sprawling upon influence of her own dress? She caught herself and stood up again. [s]She heard a whistle in [/s] A whistling tune came from? the cell across from her. She quickly turned her head to look at the man, but it was a woman. Evelyn stared for some time before finally observing the horrible smelling cell she was in. It had a well fluffed mattress that was better than all of the others.

Evelyn looked at the sink with a mirror that looked like it was there temporarily.

“It looks like someones gets them a goods master,” said the ugly female. She looked as if she had been [s]in[/s] there [s]for[/s] a while.

Her clothes were way too big for her. Her cheek bones looked as if they were trying to rip through her skin. Her talking was no good either.

Evelyn frowned and grasped the iron bars that surrounded her. She grasped the ones that faced the other female though, and stared at her angrily.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Evelyn asked tightening her grip. The opposing female didn’t answer. [s]and soon fell over.[/s]She started to sway wobbily and then fell over to land on the dirty floor in a heap of jutting bones and loose fabric? Evelyn gasped loudly and yelled for the guard.

“What happened? Are you okay?” said a different guard than the last. He was younger and more handsome.
Evelyn was now hunched over her sink spitting up chunks of food from the early day meal. Once [s]Evelyn[/s]she? had gained? a small portion of control over her vomiting, she raised a weary hand; [s]and pointed[/s] pointing? to the [s]opposing[/s] collapsed? female that was now stiff and pale.

The guard gagged

and called for a bagging man as he went to find a towel and mouth brush for Evelyn.

(New Paragraph) He thought that she was absolutely beautiful. Her emerald eyes that peered into his were unbearable. Her long brown braid was also beautiful. What brought her body out was the emerald green, silk dress that fitted her well.

The young guard was soon near her. He felt the blood rush to his face as he looked at her. [s]He thought that her beauty was intoxicating[/s]. He unlocked her cell and handed Evelyn the warm, wet rag.
Evelyn took it eagerly and wiped her face of the dirt and she wiped the sides of her mouth of the food that had just exited her system.

The young guard handed Evelyn the mouth brush and poured the bucket of water into the sink so she could wash out her mouth.

The food chunks were bucketed out quickly and were dumped out the window. Evelyn finished wiping and brushing her mouth. She handed the things to the young guard. He took them carefully making sure that he didn’t scratch her.

Evelyn threw herself on the mattress. The ship rocked back and forth [s]and it was soothing.[/s]soothing her nerves?

Evelyn closed her eyes lightly. She refused to fall asleep. She sat up after thirty minutes of lying down.

She listened to all sounds around her? [s]even to the creaking of the swaying Dawn Star. [/s]Most of the prisoners, and soon-to-be slaves, were snoring loudly. Evelyn soon noticed one man in particular that was staring at her. She [s]looked[/s]turned to look at him? and watched as a smile spread across his chapped lips. She felt her stomach twist and [s]she[/s] turned quickly.

It wasn’t but a single minute then Evelyn had jumped up and ran to the sink. She was vomiting again.

The young guard rushed to her cell, once more, with a towel in one hand and a mouth brush in the other. [s]The young guard[/s] He? stood their shifting from foot to foot as he waited for Evelyn to gain balance again.

Once she was finished cleaning herself up she looked at the[s] young[/s] guard who was now staring down? at his covered toes.

Evelyn pulled her dress away from her feet to look at hers. The skin was bare with no shoes.

Evelyn looked back at the young guard now [s]looking[/s]staring? at her with curiosity. She smiled at him and then spoke. “I have a feeling that I will see much of you on my ride. I am Evelyn,” she said holding out her hand. The young man looked at it then back at her.
“Aderes,” he said shyly. [s]He didn’t look at her.[/s] He [s]only[/s] hung his head. Evelyn handed Aderes the towel and mouth brush. [s]and[/s] He took them eagerly. Aderes left quickly after the introduction.

Evelyn couldn’t do anything but smile.

She turned, and the man that was staring at her before [s]was still staring at her[/s] hadn't stopped studying her since? Evelyn became angry.

“Do you have a problem, [s]buddy[/s]?” she asked almost yelling. The man shook his head wearily still staring. She spoke again. “I suggest that you turn your head before I-" Evelyn couldn’t finish. She couldn’t do anything. She was behind ten inch thick iron bars. What could she do?

She sighed and threw herself upon the [s]wall attached[/s] bed [s]again[/s] once more?
Evelyn woke with a groan. She sat up i[s]n her bed[/s] and stretched while yawning. [s]She opened her eyes fully and looked around.[/s] Opening her eyes fully she looked around the room? She wasn’t in her cell. Evelyn was startled at [s]the[/s] a sudden voice that spoke out.

“Awake, sleeping beauty?” came a deep voice. Evelyn [s]realized[/s] recognized? it. She turned to see Aderes standing? in front of her.

“Why am I here?” she asked, drained. Aderes smiled wide and stepped towards her before answering.

“Your master ordered that you have your own room. Last evening was a difficult time? to find you one. When we stopped to pick up and unload we had many rooms open. This was the best one,” Aderes said. Evelyn smiled at him. There was an awkward silence until Aderes spoke up.
“If you need a shower, you have access to the powder room. It is right outside of your door. Just make sure that you tell me or any other guard and you can use it,” he said grinning again. His dimples were very deep. Evelyn’[s]s eyes twinkled[/s] smiled to herself? as she looked at him. Aderes’s cheeks turned a bright red.

This happened many times. They were shy, yet [s]and[/s] fond of each other. The ship made many pit stops on the way to Evelyn’s soon-to-be master. Aderes and Evelyn became very close friends. After two months they were with each other every hour of every day [s]laughing[/s] joking? and [s]blowing off steam.[/s]talking? They had few fights, and when they actually did they would finish them by laughing. They were made for each other.
Then, Evelyn’s deportation took place, the day that they walked out of each other’s lives and walked to their own futures.

Hola, Bleeding Rose. I've decided to review something of yours since you have been so kind to me in that department

It was a rich man that was lonely. He wanted a beautiful young lady delivered in to him that has been tended to with care and was doted on. Also, he wanted her to be pure.

Evelyn wanted to break free now and jump through the window that the sunlight was now escaping from.

Evelyn smirked at the thought of the water swallowing, concealing her. Evelyn felt the touch of a meaty finger on her moist cheek. Evelyn felt her heart jump and refused to turn to the man. “It’s all going to be okay, ma’am. I am going to put you in this nice cell here, and if you need anything just yell,” the man said letting Evelyn follow her own way into the little room.

The young guard handed Evelyn the mouth brush and turned the sink on so she could wash out her mouth.

Then, Evelyn’s deportation took place, the day that they walked out of each other’s lives forever…or maybe just temporarily.